This book offers a powerful framework for understanding the 87 emotions and experiences that define what it means to be human. By learning to name and articulate these feelings, you'll unlock deeper self-awareness and foster more authentic connections with others. Read it to cultivate greater emotional literacy, courage, and compassion, transforming your relationships and your journey through life.
Listen to PodcastThis theme explores the wide range of emotions we feel when we lose our footing. It distinguishes between the pressure of external demands and our internal ability to cope with them, highlighting how we react when we feel exposed or unable to manage what is happening.
Stress is the physical and mental reaction we have when we perceive that the demands placed on us outweigh our ability to cope. It is distinct from 'stressors' (the things causing the stress). You can remove the stressor (like finishing a project) but still carry the stress in your body. To be healthy, you must complete the 'stress cycle' to signal to your body that you are safe.
Overwhelm is an extreme state where our nervous system becomes completely saturated and cannot function. Unlike stress, where we might try to push through, overwhelm means we are physically and cognitively unable to handle anything more. It is the brain's way of forcing a shutdown to prevent damage.
Anxiety is the feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. It is defined by the way we overreact to uncertainty. Anxiety often tries to fill in the blanks of the unknown with worst-case scenarios to make us feel prepared, but this rarely helps.
Worry is the cognitive part of anxiety. It is a chain of negative thoughts about bad things that might happen. While anxiety is often felt in the body, worry is the mental loop we get stuck in. It is a coping mechanism where we try to solve problems that haven't happened yet.
Avoidance is failing to do something we know we should do, usually because we are afraid of the emotions that the task will trigger. It is a defense mechanism to protect us from vulnerability, fear, or discomfort, but it usually amplifies the very feelings we are trying to escape.
Excitement is an energized state of enthusiasm. Interestingly, the body's physiological reaction to excitement is almost identical to anxiety. The difference lies in how we interpret the energy—whether we see the uncertain outcome as something to look forward to or something to fear.
Dread is a heavy, negative anticipation of an event. Unlike anxiety, which is high-energy and jittery, dread is a low-energy sinking feeling. It occurs when we are certain that something bad is going to happen and we feel powerless to stop it.
Fear is a negative, short-lasting, high-alert emotion in response to a perceived threat. It is a survival mechanism designed to keep us safe. However, in the modern world, we often feel fear in response to emotional threats (like rejection) rather than physical ones.
Vulnerability is the emotion we experience during times of uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. It is not weakness; it is the prerequisite for courage. You cannot be brave without being vulnerable because bravery requires acting despite fear.
Comparison is described as the 'thief of happiness.' This theme breaks down how we measure our worth against others and the toxic or uplifting emotions that result from that measurement. It challenges us to look at others without losing ourselves.
Comparison is the act of evaluating ourselves against others. It is a natural social drive, but it often leads to conformity or competition rather than connection. We tend to compare our 'insides' (our doubts and fears) with other people's 'outsides' (their curated images), which is a rigged game we always lose.
Admiration is a feeling of respect and approval for someone else's abilities or qualities. It creates a desire to improve ourselves without the bitterness of envy. However, we must be careful not to put people on pedestals, as that distances us from them.
Reverence is a deeper form of admiration that involves a sense of deep respect and sometimes awe. It is often reserved for things or people that feel larger than life or spiritual. It connects us to something bigger than ourselves.
Envy is the desire for something that someone else has. It can be benign (wishing you had it too) or malicious (wishing they didn't have it). It usually stems from a feeling of lack or inadequacy in ourselves.
Jealousy is often confused with envy, but they are different. Envy is 'I want what you have.' Jealousy is 'I fear losing what I have to someone else.' It typically involves three parties: you, the person you value, and a perceived rival.
Resentment is the feeling of frustration, judgment, and anger that occurs when we feel we have been treated unfairly. It often arises when we fail to set boundaries and then blame others for crossing them. It is part of the 'envy' family because we often resent people who are doing what we wish we could do (like saying 'no' to requests).
Schadenfreude is a German term for deriving pleasure from someone else's misfortune. It is a way of bonding with others against a common enemy or feeling superior. It is a barrier to true empathy and connection.
Freudenfreude is the opposite of Schadenfreude: it is the enjoyment of another person's success. It is described as 'social glue.' Relationships that have this—where friends genuinely celebrate each other's wins—are stronger and more resilient.
This theme deals with the gap between what we wanted to happen and what actually happened. It explores how we handle unmet expectations and the different ways we can react—either by shutting down or by staying curious.
Boredom is the uncomfortable feeling of wanting to engage in satisfying activity but being unable to do so. It is a regulatory signal that we are under-stimulated. In a world of constant distraction, we often treat boredom as a failure, but it is actually a vital space for creativity and restoration.
Disappointment is the pain of unmet expectations. The more significant the expectation, the deeper the disappointment. It often hurts because we feel we didn't get what we deserved or worked for.
Expectations are the pictures we paint in our heads of how things will go. Unexamined and unexpressed expectations are a recipe for resentment and failure. We often hold people accountable to scripts we wrote in our heads that they never read.
Regret is a negative cognitive and emotional state that involves blaming ourselves for a bad outcome, wishing we could undo a previous choice. While painful, regret is a powerful teacher. It forces us to examine our values and behavior.
Discouragement is the feeling of losing the motivation to pursue a goal. It happens when we lose confidence in our ability to succeed or when the effort seems to outweigh the potential reward. It is a temporary loss of heart.
Resignation is similar to discouragement but deeper. It is the feeling that 'it doesn't matter what I do, the result will be the same.' It is a state of giving up and accepting a negative situation as permanent. It is the absence of hope.
Frustration arises when we feel blocked from achieving a goal. Unlike resignation, frustration has energy—we still want to achieve the goal, but something is in the way. It is often a sign that our current approach isn't working.
This theme covers the expansive emotions that occur when we encounter something vast, mysterious, or difficult to comprehend. These emotions pull us out of our self-focus and connect us to the larger world.
Awe is the feeling of being in the presence of something vast that transcends our understanding of the world. It often involves a need to accommodate this new information. Awe diminishes our ego and makes us feel like a small part of a larger whole, which actually increases our generosity and connection.
Wonder is the emotion that follows awe. It is a state of curiosity and openness inspired by something beautiful or inexplicable. While awe can be overwhelming, wonder is an invitation to explore and ask questions.
Confusion is the feeling that things don't make sense. It happens when new information contradicts what we already know. While uncomfortable, confusion is essential for learning. If you are never confused, you are likely not learning anything new.
Curiosity is the recognition of a gap in our knowledge and the desire to close that gap. It is an uncomfortable feeling of 'not knowing' combined with a drive to find out. Curiosity is the antidote to judgment.
Interest is a cognitive state of engagement. It is less intense than curiosity but is the steady state of paying attention. It is necessary for learning and relationship building.
Surprise is the shortest-duration emotion. It is a startled reaction to something unexpected. It acts as a reset button for our attention, forcing us to focus on the new event. It can be positive or negative.
This theme explores complex, mixed emotions where reality is layered. It deals with how we process contradictions, humor, and the blending of past and present.
Amusement is the pleasurable, relaxed excitation we feel when something is humorous, playful, or incongruous. It is a social emotion that signals safety and playfulness.
Bittersweetness is the mixed feeling of happiness and sadness experienced together. It often occurs when we recognize that something beautiful is also temporary (like watching a child grow up). It acknowledges the complexity of life.
Nostalgia is a sentimental longing for the past. It can be a source of comfort and identity, but it has a dark side. If we romanticize the past too much, we can become stuck there, unable to appreciate the present.
Cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort we feel when we hold two conflicting beliefs or values, or when our behavior contradicts our beliefs. Our brains hate this tension, so we often rationalize or deny facts to make the discomfort go away.
A paradox is a situation or statement that seems contradictory but may actually be true. Life is full of paradoxes (e.g., 'vulnerability is strength'). Learning to accept paradoxes helps us navigate a complex world without needing black-and-white answers.
Irony is a form of communication where the intended meaning is the opposite of the literal meaning. It can be used for humor, but it creates distance. It is often a way to say something without fully committing to it.
Sarcasm is a sharp, bitter, or cutting expression or remark. The root of the word means 'to tear the flesh.' Unlike irony, which can be playful, sarcasm is usually intended to mock or ridicule. It is often a passive-aggressive way to express anger.
This theme addresses the deep, painful emotions associated with loss and suffering. It validates the difficulty of these experiences and offers language to describe the depths of our pain so we don't have to face it alone.
Anguish is an excruciating distress or suffering. It is a physical pain of the soul. It often happens when we are shocked by a tragedy that we cannot wrap our heads around. It strips us of our defenses.
Hopelessness arises when we believe that negative events will continue, that we cannot change them, and that it is our fault. It is a dangerous state because it kills the drive to act.
Despair is a deep sense of hopelessness and loss. It is the feeling that tomorrow will be just like today. It is a total loss of perspective.
Sadness is a natural reaction to loss or defeat. Unlike despair, sadness allows us to feel the pain, process it, and eventually move forward. It is a healing emotion.
Grief is the multifaceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something that has died, to which a bond or affection was formed. It is not a linear process with stages; it is messy and unpredictable.
This theme focuses on how we relate to other people's pain. It clarifies the crucial differences between helpful connection (empathy, compassion) and distancing behaviors (pity, sympathy, comparative suffering).
Compassion is the daily practice of recognizing and accepting our shared humanity so that we treat others with kindness and action. It is not about 'fixing' someone; it is about walking with them in their pain.
Pity is feeling sorry for someone. It creates a hierarchy where the pitier is 'up here' and the pitiful is 'down there.' It is the 'near enemy' of compassion—it looks like care, but it is actually about separation and superiority.
Empathy is feeling *with* people. It is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. It requires you to tap into a part of yourself that knows that feeling. It is the fuel of connection.
Sympathy is feeling *for* someone. It is an acknowledgment of their pain without the emotional connection. It maintains a safe distance. It is 'I see you are sad,' not 'I feel your sadness.'
Boundaries are simply what is okay and what is not okay. They are essential for healthy relationships and compassion. Without boundaries, we become resentful and burned out.
Comparative suffering is the belief that we cannot feel our own pain because someone else has it worse. It's the 'starving children in Africa' argument applied to emotions. It assumes empathy is a finite resource like pizza—if I give empathy to myself, there is less for you.
This theme deals with the self-conscious emotions that arise when we feel we haven't met a standard. It highlights the destructive nature of shame and the healing power of self-compassion.
Shame is the intensely painful feeling that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. It is focused on the self ('I am bad'), not the behavior. It thrives in secrecy, silence, and judgment.
Self-compassion is treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a friend. It involves three elements: self-kindness, common humanity (knowing you aren't alone in making mistakes), and mindfulness.
Perfectionism is not about striving for excellence. It is a defensive move. It is the belief that if we look perfect and do everything perfectly, we can avoid or minimize the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. It is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around.
Guilt is the feeling that we have done something wrong. Unlike shame ('I am bad'), guilt is focused on behavior ('I did something bad'). It is a helpful emotion because it aligns with our values and motivates us to make amends.
Humiliation is the feeling of being belittled or degraded by others. The key difference from shame is that with humiliation, we do not believe we deserved the treatment. If we believe we deserved it, it becomes shame.
Embarrassment is a fleeting, uncomfortable feeling when we make a social mistake. It is the least serious of the self-conscious emotions because we know it is temporary and that others have been there too.
This theme explores our fundamental human need for connection and the barriers that get in the way. It distinguishes between true belonging and the exhausting effort of trying to fit in.
Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. True belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world. It cannot be negotiated; you cannot belong if you are pretending to be someone else.
Fitting in is the opposite of belonging. It is assessing a situation and changing yourself to be accepted. It requires you to hollow yourself out and become what others want you to be. It is a barrier to true connection.
Connection is the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.
Disconnection is the breaking of the bond. It often happens when we feel unseen or judged. It can also be a protective mechanism where we withdraw to avoid pain.
Insecurity is a lack of confidence and a feeling of uncertainty about our worth or abilities. It is the voice that says, 'I'm not enough.' It often drives us to seek validation from others.
Invisibility is the feeling of not being seen or acknowledged. It is a form of dehumanization. It is painful because we are social creatures who need to be recognized to feel we exist.
Loneliness is the pain of being disconnected. It is a signal, like hunger or thirst, telling us we need social connection. It is not about being alone; it is about feeling alone.
This theme covers the high-stakes emotions of relationships. It looks at the vulnerability required to love and trust, and the pain that comes when those bonds are broken.
Love is not just a feeling; it is a practice. It is a deep connection that thrives on vulnerability, respect, and kindness. We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known.
Lovelessness is the absence of emotional connection and care. It is an environment where vulnerability is punished or ignored. It is damaging to the human spirit.
Heartbreak is the intense pain of losing love or having our love rejected. It is a physical sensation of crushing pain. It is the price we pay for the courage to love.
Trust is not a grand gesture; it is built in small moments. Brown uses the 'Marble Jar' story: every time someone shows up for you, listens, or keeps a secret, they put a marble in the jar. Trust is a full jar. It is the slow accumulation of reliability.
Self-trust is the ability to rely on your own integrity and judgment. It is knowing that you will stay true to your values even when it is hard. It is the 'Braving' inventory applied to yourself.
Betrayal is the violation of trust. It is not just about lying or cheating; it is about choosing your own comfort over the relationship. It leaves us questioning our own judgment.
Defensiveness is a reaction to feeling attacked or criticized. It is a way to deflect blame and protect our ego. It blocks listening and connection.
Flooding is a physiological response where the body is so overwhelmed by emotion (usually anger or fear) that the rational brain shuts down. Heart rate spikes, and we go into fight-or-flight mode.
Hurt is the feeling of emotional pain caused by someone else's words or actions. It is often the layer beneath anger.
This theme explores positive emotions. It highlights that joy is actually a vulnerable emotion and that we often sabotage it because we are afraid it won't last.
Joy is an intense feeling of deep spiritual connection, pleasure, and appreciation. It is distinct from happiness because it is more sudden and unconnected to external circumstances. However, it is also the most vulnerable emotion we feel because we are terrified it will be taken away.
Happiness is a stable, longer-lasting state of being satisfied with one's life. It is more cognitive than joy—it's about how we evaluate our circumstances. It is often tied to control and things going our way.
Calm is the practice of creating perspective and mindfulness while managing emotional reactivity. It is not the absence of emotion; it is the ability to bring your thinking brain online when things are chaotic.
Contentment is the feeling of sufficiency. It is the deep satisfaction of knowing that 'I have enough' and 'I am enough.' It is the opposite of the constant striving for more.
Gratitude is not just an attitude; it is a practice. It is the active acknowledgment of what is good in our lives. It is the antidote to foreboding joy.
Foreboding joy is the paradoxical method of trying to protect ourselves from pain by killing our joy. It's that moment when you are looking at your sleeping child and suddenly imagine something terrible happening. We rehearse tragedy to avoid being blindsided.
Relief is the relaxation that occurs when a threat or burden is removed. It is the 'whew' feeling. It is a powerful reinforcer of behavior.
Tranquility is a state of freedom from disturbance. It is a deep peace that comes from being unburdened. It is often associated with quiet environments and solitude.
This theme deals with the fiery emotions of conflict. It distinguishes between healthy anger and the toxic emotions of contempt and disgust that destroy relationships.
Anger is a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility. It is a catalyst emotion—it sparks action. It tells us that something is wrong, a boundary has been crossed, or we are hurt. However, it is not a good life companion.
Contempt is a mix of anger and disgust. It is the feeling that you are superior to someone else. It is expressed through eye-rolling, mockery, and dismissal. It is the single biggest predictor of divorce.
Disgust is a strong aversion to something considered offensive or toxic. Originally a survival mechanism to avoid bad food, social disgust is used to push people away and treat them as 'other.'
Dehumanization is the process of depriving a person or group of positive human qualities. It allows us to harm others without feeling guilt. It starts with language (calling people animals, aliens, or pests).
Hate is intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury. It is often directed at groups rather than individuals. It is a combination of fear and the belief that the other group is evil.
Self-righteousness is the conviction that one's beliefs and actions are correct and moral, while others' are wrong. It is a form of armor. It feels good (like a sugar rush) but it isolates us.
This theme looks at how we evaluate our own worth and standing. It clarifies the difference between healthy pride and toxic hubris, and redefines humility as groundedness rather than self-deprecation.
Pride is a feeling of deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from one's own achievements or the achievements of those with whom one is closely associated. Healthy pride is about self-worth and acknowledging good work.
Hubris is excessive pride or self-confidence. It is an inflated sense of self-importance that leads to losing touch with reality. Unlike pride, which is about what we did, hubris is about who we think we are (superior).
Humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less. It is a groundedness and an openness to learning. It is knowing your strengths and weaknesses and being okay with them.
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